Akashya inoue
Hushed Whispers and Lustful Nights.
I laugh hard at the woman wearing red drapes and puffing a cigar, clutching onto the counter, snarling as she prepares me and my date dinner. The smell of cuisine permeates around her stony face and into our room. "Dinner. Now woman!" I demanded and pounded a fist into the table
with a face of anger showing teeth. The breath of pepperment and pipe tobacco mixed with our pleasing aroma as she came into our room with displeasing odor, and served me and the mistress cheap wine and chicken parm.
"Your duties are done for now. Go to the room, and I'll deal with you tonight!"
I yelled in blunt disdain when I pushed her aside without emotion.
The table cleared within moments like captivating day light, and into the night I made sweet love to the mistress, because the wife knows that I've always got a shoulder for two.
I really liked the first line, but unfortunately it just went downhill from there. Your syntax confused me, you fell back a bit on your old habit of five-dollar-words-that-don't-really-fit and your dialogue lines seemed jolted and out of place. It may have been an intended effect, but the juxtaposition of the rough tone of the dialogue and the pretty words in the narration only confused me. I had to re-read things because your grammar is pretty ********. Or, at least, it doesn't read naturally.
Love Triangle
acute angles more
than pythagoras theorized;
fitting triangles
into circles as
easily as a pen in
its cap, satisfied
and so the crooked
circle begins, winding way
to sweet nothings and
falling-outs.
I liked the literal take on "love triangle." Also liked the chained senryu that you chose to present it in. However, some of your poem suffers from it, where the syllables restricted your use of images and left you with the cop-out ending. (Yes, I do consider "sweet nothings and falling-outs" to be a cop-out ending in the third degree.) But it's what fit the prompt. So kudos to you.
In conclusion, I declare the
winner of this toe-tapping duel to be
The Love Mutt. Please collect your earnings on the way out.
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